Michael Phelps Bongo Boy! Or Is It Bong, Oh Boy!?

By Danny McBride
Los Angeles, February 7, 2009

Olympic swimming star Michael Phelps made news this week because a photograph of him appeared in a British tabloid showing him in South Carolina hitting up a bong last fall at a party. The USA Swimming Team freaked out and suspended him for three months saying “What kind of message does this send to America’s youth?”

Actually it sends the right message. which is, “Smoke all the Chronic you want and still win eight gold medals.” Or “Pot does no harm. Get over yourself.”

We all know that. Why are people still so intent on busting pot smokers? Milk drinkers could be next. Eating broccoli? Then that’s it pal, you’re done.

The “War on Drugs” as it’s called, has been one of the most abysmal failures this government has ever undertaken. I’m smoking a bowl right now as I write this. Where did I get it? At a Medicinal Marijuana store- -legal in California. Where did the pot come from? Right here in our home state where it is our number one cash crop- -more than lettuce, more than corn, more than anything else in the garden. And you can grow it and buy it tax free.

That’s just nuts! Instead of wasting millions trying to stamp out a weed that grows happily anywhere- -sort of like crab grass or dandelions- -we could be making millions in tax revenues by decriminalizing it and selling it like alcohol and tobacco.- - a level of control- -and that would include also for the quality.

Kids can drive at 16, go in the Army and shoot people at 18, and have a beer when they’re 21- -which seems silly because after shooting a few insurgents there’s nothing quite like a cold beer. Or a couple of satisfying bong hits.

And now Kellogg’s has cancelled Michael Phelps’ endorsement contract, which is also nuts. What great ad campaign possibilities: Michael with his bong and a box of Pop Tarts and the slogan “Hand in Hand” or something like that. “Whenever I’m hammered and get the munchies, a box and a half of Frosted Flakes hits the spot. They’re GREAT” or “Dude…Snap, Crackle and Pop…Totally awesome.”

Pot is embedded in our culture, just like alcohol or coffee. No, not everyone indulges but everyone is aware of its existence. I’m not suggesting that we become a nation of stoners, but just that pot is a reality of life in America and we ought to grow up and treat it like the controlled substance it should be treated as: regulated for quality and taxed accordingly, just like tobacco and alcohol. Yes, we don’t need either of those in our culture either, but they’re here, probably to stay, and so is the Ganja. Grow up. Treat it like it is not some fantasy about how it might be in some parallel universe.

But it leads to harder drugs, they say. Ah, no, not really, especially now that you can buy it at Medical Marijuana stores. In the olden days contraband of all kinds was available from black market entrepreneurs- -guns, drugs, sexual miscreants, you name it. So the idea was that, yes, sometimes the sales pitch was that one should try this or that also for sale from some guy with no actual name at 3:00 in the morning. That was the only connection. with pot. Separated out to its own dispensaries there is no longer any connection between the sacred herb and the other junk. The Feds still are trying to close these stores down. The California Attorney General Jerry Brown says he wants to keep them open and will go to court to make sure that happens. Doesn’t the Federal Government have more important things to be working on? Don’t we still have terrorists? A tanking economy? A medical health insurance nightmare? Banks taking billions and then paying out bonuses? Iraq and Afghanistan? On and on and on. What’s a couple of bong hits compared to all this?

You don’t have to smoke it yourself. Just realize it for what it is.

Okay enough. This is turning into a stoned rant. You get my drift.

Good luck Michael. You’re awesome, Dude.

Drift…Ah…Yeah…

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