Prop Me Up Properly

Los Angeles, May 29, 2009

By Danny McBride


Marriage is no longer happy and gay in California. Well, maybe it’s still happy for some but that’s about it. In a great service to the rest of the state, those who would be wed only to consummate their love for one another and not be able to breed, may as well move to Maine, a far hipper state. At least there you can adopt. Here, we’re adopting medieval methods of torture. You think of California as that state that leads the nation in social progress. Think again. We also lead the nation in mega-churches like Rick Warren’s or Robert Shuller’s or The Mormons or dozens of others. And if two men marry it might bring them all crumbling to the ground. It’s see-yin. (Make the word sin two syllables.)

The California Supreme Court upheld the Proposition 8 initiative this week by a 6-1 margin. That’s sad. So out of touch with the population at large. According to a Pew Research Poll reported in The Washington Post this week, about 8 in 10 Americans personally know or work with a gay person. Hello Dick Cheney, do you know anyone? Only 48 per cent, meanwhile, know a Mormon.

Also from The Post, a 2008 poll by Gary C. Lawrence, author of "How Americans View Mormonism: Seven Steps to Improve Our Image," found that for every American who expresses a strong liking for Mormons, four express a strong dislike. Among the traits widely ascribed to Mormons in the poll were "narrow-minded" and "controlling."

Controlling alright. To the point where they want to enter the private lives of citizens they have no other interest in. And same sex relationships are already part of the culture. Like crab grass- -you can’t outlaw them. It’s as silly as that other thing Mormons do- -baptize dead people, or consecrate them, or confirm them, or whatever, to the point where a good Baptist like Elvis is claimed as a Mormon after death so they can advertise all the names of people who were or are Mormons that they can use in their proselytizing. Just nuts.

And speaking of churches in general…if you want to go to a Catholic church anytime to pray or whatever you can just go, it’s probably open, or there are lots of times when it is open to the public. Same with other Christian churches. But you can’t just go to a Mormon church unless you are in the funny underwear crowd already. This is not welcoming, like Jesus. Of course Jesus was a first century Rabbi out to reform and simplify the basic Jewish laws. He talked directly to God. Then there was Mohammed, who spoke directly to Allah, and who took years to write down his version of the laws of God. Then Joe Smith spoke to a salamander or a lizard or something, and thought the Native American languages were Biblical tower of Babel stuff. We know now, of course, that these attempts at speaking in tongues were just “Joe Smith Gibberish”. But like the 20th Century’s L. Ron Hubbard, the snake oil salesman behind Scientology, Joe was a good salesman. I mean what guy could turn down polygamy? So they got pushed further and further west in the mid-1800s- -all the way to Utah, with good ole Brigham Young having as many 50 wives. So why can’t a guy have one, even if it is another guy?

In 1896 Utah became a state. One of the conditions was that polygamy be outlawed. If you travel to small towns in Utah today, and visit, say, a Target store or something similar (I think I may actually have been in a K-Mart), you will see families shopping that consist of a young man and two or three young women, and a passel of children. They are very low key.and don’t draw attention but to those who are outsiders, they stick out like sore thumbs. There are, by most estimates, 100,000 of these families in rural Utah still, even though the official policy is to denounce polygamy. Every once in a while you will see a 60 Minutes or a Dateline show about these back country families. I say good luck to them. It doesn’t really affect my life. It isn’t going to ruin my marriage, unless, of course, I try to convince my wife that polygamy is the way to go. So what’s the big whoop if a couple of guys or gals decide to hook up? And if they want to codify their relationships with marriage so they can be audited together, why not? They should be able to get married so they can be just as miserable as the rest of us. (Sorry dear, just kidding.)

It took $40 million dollars to pass Prop 8 at the polls last November, more money than anything except the presidential race. About half came from Mormons, although cleverly diverted away from the Mormon Church actually donating the money. It took a while to trace it all, with campaign contribution disclosures, but it worked- -this time.

The issue will probably re-surface in the next election, or for certain, the one after that. The next time the issue will be harder fought. I think this past time people just figured “Oh it’s California, of course it won’t pass” and calling it “Prop Hate”, not realizing until too late the strength of the opposition. Next time the pro same-sex marriage activists will work way harder against the Mormon machine. Why on earth do they care? After all, Jesus ran around with a bunch of men. If one in ten in the population is gay, what does that say for the 12 Disciples plus Jesus? Hey! Maybe He was gay. The Bible doesn’t say he wasn’t. Try and prove it.

Of course, all of this reminds me of the old joke: The Pope hears from God. God says I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news- - God wants all the leaders of the major religions to be gathered together so He can speak to them at once. Call the Imams, The Ayatollahs, Billy Graham, The Dalai Lama, The leading Rabbis—everybody. And the Pope says “Great! That is good news. What’s the bad news?”

And God says “I’m going to meet you all in Salt Lake City”.

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