Hep Me! Hep Me…I’ve Been Digitized!

Los Angeles, June 7, 2009

By Danny McBride



All I can see is the little cartoon rabbit running away up and downhill yelling “Hep me! Hep me! Somebody hep me!” as the fox chases him, except all of a sudden I can no longer see my favorite little cartoon because- -I’ve been digitized! I didn’t ask for it, I don’t know what it is and even if I did I don’t want it. Who sprung this hoax on us? Why were our usual watchdog groups not paying attention? And why? And why? And a bunch of other questions I can’t think of at the moment!

Some time back the FCC determined that we all should receive digital pictures on our televisions. That’s instead of the analog ones most of us now get. I don’t know what that is either but it’s worked alright since Gunsmoke and Lassie- -60 years of TV and now they decide to mess with it. “Everything’s digital now. TV should be too. You get a better picture” is the conventional wisdom. Over-the-air broadcast stations have been harping on this for months, maybe years, especially PBS. They are afraid that not only will you fail to donate to their pledge drive, you won’t even be able to see the pledge drive or know it’s on. Who will buy all those great hits of the 50s and 60s? (Not me.)

So here’s the deal. Television signals are broadcast from a transmitter from a tall tower. Here in Southern California many are up on the top of Mount Wilson to give them extra height. TV signals are like FM- -they are “line of sight”. If your antenna can’t “see” the transmitting tower then you won’t get a signal. Not to confuse but to explain- -AM radio signals bounce from the earth to the ionosphere and create a large continuing W pattern. That’s why you can receive signals from far a way- -I can get Seattle sometimes and San Francisco all the time here in Los Angeles. But it’s also why you can’t get AM radio going under a bridge or in a tunnel. FM travels along the ground so you DO get FM under the bridge or in the tunnel. But they don’t travel anywhere near as far as AM signals. Same idea with these new TV signals. Old analog signals which may have traveled a hundred miles may now only go 40 as digital signals.

But wait!! I have cable, So I don’t need a converter box. The cable company will do that all for me. Besides, so many of the channels I watch are not broadcast but cable or satellite only. Comedy Central, MSNBC, CNN, ESPN, TCM, HBO, ENCORE, TBS are all satellite delivered to my cable company, translated (most have some sort of code on them so you can’t get the code unlocked unless you subscribe) to a signal that’s sent to my cable box and then to my TV. Amazing science. Now comes the converter box. It’s only necessary for those with over-the-air TVs who DO NOT HAVE cable or satellite TV.

All the major networks- -NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX - -are affiliated with over the air stations, mostly in the lower numbers- -2, 4, 5, 7, 11, etc- -and those are the people who are freaking out that you won’t be able to see them without a converter box if you watch them with rabbit ears or some kind of antenna system on your roof. “Rabbit” ears. I wonder if the fox caught the rabbit. More on that in a moment.

But many people have been worried that they don’t have the right equipment to get “Blondie the Bubble-Head” on the 6:00 o’clock news who will tell you all about the local tragedies of the day- -car wrecks, family shootings, all the fun stuff. Especially my 93-year-old Mother-in Law. She has cable so she doesn’t need to worry. But still she worries because of the campaigns carried on by the stations that want you to switch to this new system. You see, they can use their old analog frequencies as rentals to cell phone companies, among others, as an additional source of income. Also, the next time you buy a new TV set it will have to conform to these new specifics. I wonder if it will cost more? And somebody’s got to be paid for making those converter boxes. I know there are discount coupons now but still they are an extra expense for some- -the elderly, disabled, low-income and non-English-speaking viewers who may be left without a picture. To me it’s one of those “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it” kind of things. But we have the technology, people in the right positions can make money from it, so why not do it? Just one more nutsy thing we can do and call it “progress”. Like the Flowbee.

Oh, and the rabbit? Well, once when my daughter was very young the cable went out, which it does from time to time (as in Time-Warner). She was watching Nickelodeon, a cable only channel. I said I was sorry I couldn’t fix this problem, the cable guys had to do it, but we could watch cartoons on FOX on the old TV with the rabbit ears.

“Rabbit ears?” She was almost sobbing.

“Don’t worry, honey” I said. “No rabbits were harmed in the making of this TV set”.

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