The Leadership Vacuum

Los Angeles, June 2, 2009

By Danny McBride

I picture David Oreck in one of his self promotional TV ads for his vacuum cleaners.

“Hi, I’m David Oreck, and this is the new Oreck 20-12 Leadership Vacuum.” He squints into the TV with his rodentesque glare. “I’m so sure you’ll like my Oreck 20-12 Leadership Vacuum that I’ll give you your money back, and a toaster oven and quality hair dryer if you don’t like it. In fact, I’ll give you whatever piece-of-crap small appliance you want. But you’ll love it, because this 20-12 Leadership Vacuum really sucks. Try my new Oreck Leadership Vacuum. You’ll be glad you did.”

So that’s why Dick Cheney is on TV all the time. He’s trying to wrest control of the Republican image from Pompous Blowhards like Roach Limbo and Newt Gin-Grinch., the Grinch who stole the Tanqueray…Fat white men with lots of money. And also wriggle it from the Know-Nothing branch of the Republican Party lead by Sarah and Todd Palin and Mitch McConnell and John Boehner. These people haven’t got the brains God gave geese, but there are millions in this country who think they are right on. Shoot a moose for Jesus. How many Joe the Plumbers does it take to clean out a drain pipe? I suppose just one if it’s not too full of crap. By the way, Joe has a book out. Not bad for a guy who never read one. I saw him interviewed on Bill Maher. Does the phrase “fence post, dumber than” come to mind? It was painful to watch. This guy is so ignorant that Maher basically gave up on the interview and said thanks for coming. It was dreadful.

Dick Cheney misses being president. He may actually have designs on the office he once said he wasn’t interested in. Political brilliance. Usually sitting Vice-Presidents get to go for the big prize after their eight years of going to funerals of heads of state. But Dick said “no”, leaving a Leadership Vacuum that brought out people like Reverend Huckabee, Tom Tancredo, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney and , and…John McCain. In an election they have no chance of winning, the GOP lets one of their dotting old senior heads have their chance in the limelight- -think Bob Dole in 1996, or Gerald Ford in 76 or Barry Goldwater in 64 or any of the guys Franklin Roosevelt Beat. Name one.

So with Palin, McCain, Tancredo, et al dispatched to the hinter lands, others step forward. Huckabee gets a TV show and Romney, who bowed out graciously before the end, steps back into the limelight with speeches and flesh presser events. But Cheney is grabbing at power he already knows first hand. I can hear him now off stage growling “It’s mine, mine, all mine”. It’s all very clever and calculated politics. With the Know-Nothings gone and the Blowhards in decline, “serious” leaders may now step forth. Except there aren’t really any at this point. You have to figure Cheney thinks he can win next time counting on Obama to not get done anything he said he would. Cheney is already trying to set the agenda for this next four years by all his recent appearances. The more you show up the more seriously Charles Krauthammer is going to take you.

Now Cheney has moved on. He has emerged as a leading critic of the Obama administration over its handling of national security and economic issues. He appeared recently at The Washington Press Club reiterating his defense of the Bush administration's handling of the economy, its decision to go to war in Iraq and its approval of coercive interrogation tactics widely viewed as torture. And now he’s moved on to same-sex marriage. He’s for it, especially since his lesbian daughter Mary and her life partner Heather Poe have a son, Samuel, born to Mary Cheney in 2007. There’s nothing like being Grandpa to soften the heart of an old cold warrior. Although, come to think of it, we don’t want his heart softened too much. All the spare parts might fall out.

So Mitt is gearing up to become public again, although being part of the funny undies crowd that passed Prop 8 in California will not help him. His image of a used car salesman from late night TV as much as hurts as helps his campaign. Yes, he’s trying to appeal to dumb Republicans for primaries, and that snake oil TV evangelist look helps there, but should he ever get the nod he couldn’t compete with Obama 2.

Huckabee is just on TV to stay in the public eye. A Baptist minister and an excellent broadcaster he has the media skills and the direct line to God that a Republican really needs these days. After all, he did come in second to McCain. He’s not going away. McCain will try for another Senate term in 2010, but in all reality, should actually be planning his retirement now. He’s already in Arizona. Just go home.

But Dick Cheney has the power base, the money crowd and what passes for common sense to many Americans. He doesn’t need to go to Iowa to shake hands or New Hampshire or anywhere really. He can just appear on TV from The American Enterprise Institute, have a nice lunch, and return to his new undisclosed location. (Joe Biden gave away the secret of his previous warren…yes…Earl the Warren. Never mind.) Cable news will cover whatever he says as though it were news, even though he has no official job or current place in the American hierarchy of government. And when you can campaign from the TV studio, you are one up on The Rose Garden campaign. They can’t see you being wheeled in and leaned up against the podium. He’s already eliminated most of his primary opponents.

Is he Darth Vader, Dr Evil, or one of those Lizard Aliens?

I vote for Lizard Alien. Watch his tongue. He’s already catching flies like a toad on a log in between lines in his speeches. Zap! He got him! A roach in limbo.

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